Motherhood: I Yell At My Boy And I Feel Bad About It

Let's just start with, "I'm sleep-deprived!" and when my son misbehaves, I yell at him. He's like an easy target. Sometimes, he understands. Sometimes, he cries. Most of the time, he ignores me. So I keep yelling. It feels so detrimental yelling at him. He's barely 2 years old. He's just being an adventurous tot, learning in the process.

When I yell at him, he would stare at my face, trying to read whatever expression I had on at that moment. So I guess, putting on the right expression is very important.

You see, it's not about having expectations for my boy and then get frustrated when he doesn't live up to those expectations. I yell because I am worn down. When I've had a rough day, I just let it out on him. I work a day job and the hours away from my boy makes me feel so guilty. At home, I put on the hat of a wife, mother and I've got a home to care for. I work endlessly that I get overwhelmed with tiredness, frustrations and hope that I would get a little help from anyone but it never comes. Yes, I guess I'm a little overwhelmed.

It's okay to lose it once in a while, but I do it almost everyday. I got to stop yelling at him! I've got to be honest that I do suffer some personal setbacks but I'm worried that I am affecting my boy's mental health. Am I damaging him permanently?

Oh the guilt of yelling can be so heavy. But here's what I believe. The trick is to keep things in balance. In every healthy relationship, there has to be a balance between positive moments and negative moments. There have been intensive studies stating that for every negative moment, we need five positive interactions (small gestures like a smile, a touch, a kiss) to keep the relationship healthy and in balance. I know for a fact that I will lose control of my emotions and do things that I won't be proud of, so I guess it's how I make up for those things that count.

Here's a piece of advice and proven fact. My MiL always tells me to just hug my kid and not say anything when he shows his tantrums or reacts negatively when he gets a scolding from me. Just hug him. And he'll be okay. He'll be quiet. He'll calm down. True enough. As I level down with him on my knees, with just one hug, my son would calm down and return the hug without failing to pat me a little on my back as if he's telling me to calm down, mommy, it's okay. I guess all the quotes about a mother's hug are true (the best medicine in the world is a mother's hug, a mother's hug lasts long after she lets go, a mother's hug always gives happiness and removes all griefs, etc.)

I'm struggling to yell less. But I'm trying. When life is hard, parenting gets hard too and I might start yelling again, but that's okay. I just have to forgive myself, let go of the guilt and start again. In time, I'll get better in keeping my emotions at bay. After all, just like my boy who is still learning, I might as well do the same.